Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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