I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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