I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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