What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
