He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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