I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Is Oprah even human
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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