I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
