I'm so fucking centered right now
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize