my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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