but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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