yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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