she looked like the before picture.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
