I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it glows. i had to have it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
