seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
