I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
