can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
