No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
And then he peed in my hair
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