I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
