If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
