I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
