I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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