were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
