I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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