you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
