apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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