Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
