She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize