So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
