I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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