My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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