You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
