I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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