thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
