My balls are so social today.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
