I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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