Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize