Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
