I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
