how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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