i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You were trust falling into bushes
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
