You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
