My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
