How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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