If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
