My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
