Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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