I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
