Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize