Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
