I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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