Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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