just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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