i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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