I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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