She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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