I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
