9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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