Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
