So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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