I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
