Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
