this just has baby written all over it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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