It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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